Anger is a lit match that can be blown on and cooled or thrown onto a pile of paper on which kerosene is poured. It’s an opportunity for friends and lovers to resolve conflicts to the benefit of both parties and bring these parties closer to each other or it can be an invitation to start a war and turn partners into enemies. The following recommendations approach anger as an opportunity to build bridges and meaningful connections.
1) Request what you need respectfully. Frame your requests so they create common feelings of achievement and understanding.
2) Live in the present and talk about only one issue at a time. Today is the first day of the rest of your lives. Steer clear of expressions that structure no-win situations such as: “You constantly, you never, etc.” The blame and shame game is played out in a world of black and white. Remain in a realm of shades of gray.
3) When relating your emotions, communicate them assertively and let your partner understand the cause-effect relationship regarding what you are experiencing, the way it affects you, as well as the results that are shaped. i.e., “When you look away at the time I am speaking with you I feel discouraged and frustrated because I like to feel important to you and not that I’m burdensome and uninteresting. When you behave in this way I feel like leaving you behind and spending the afternoon with our dog.”
4) Pay attention actively and clarify what you are hearing. When we try to read minds we are acting in a disrespectful manner and oftentimes reading our own minds and confusing them with our partners’.
5) Resolving conflicts are much simpler when both parties do their best to keep their tones of voice, words and body language consistent. If you are receiving mixed messages, then let your partner know in as kind and considerate a manner as possible.
6) Give your partner the benefit of the doubt and do not attribute malicious motives to justify your behaviors.
7) Two wrongs never make a right and only make matters worse. Two wrongs is a formula for a vicious cycle of victimization and retaliation in the absence of reparations being made by the alleged aggressor.
If your anger is keeping your thought processes hostage and you are on a hostile mission both of you will regret, please consider calling time out, calm yourself down, reflect on what just happened, and then get together again when you are in control of yourself and willing and able to work matters out.
9) Make an effort to throw out concepts of right and wrong, good and bad, smart and stupid, etc. There are your tastes and opinions and your partner’s tastes and opinions. The faster you differentiate yourself from what your spouse does or doesn’t do, and will do or won’t do, the easier it will be for you to look after your self-esteem rather than blame your partner for things that are beyond your control. When you can retain your self-regard you will be better equipped to maintain respect for your partner in the event you feel discouraged, disappointed, annoyed, etc.
10) Remember, love is a verb and to act in a loving manner it’s important that you not lose sight of the possibility that the same partner you loved yesterday is the partner you hate today. We are all complex individuals with numerous facets to our personalities. Hold on to yourself as a complete individual and you are likely to hold on to your spouse as a complete individual as well.
11) Relationships work when life becomes a win/win proposition. Negotiate with balanced concern for both of your interests. When you say you don’t care about your partner’s self -interest you are also saying you don’t care about your own self-interest. If you can’t make a major decision to the mutual satisfaction of both of you then, take the decision off the table and try again at a future date.
12) Show your appreciation of each other with compliments. If your criticisms outnumber your compliments then life with your partner will be difficult. It’s universal to want to be known, accepted and loved as long as that love and acceptance is not at the expense of the other spouse’s integrity and core values. Unconditional love is reserved for young children. This having been said, adults want respect, consideration and love from their partners and won’t be happy if they have to be perfect and/or jump through hoops every day to get it. You’re not perfect so don’t expect perfection from your partner.
13) If you want to create a healthy relationship, communicate directly with your partner rather than using a third party.
14) Take turns speaking and listening.
15) No one wants to dig bunkers in their home to feel secure or safe. Keep away from all types of emotional and physical abuse as if they are loaded guns. They are relationship killers.
Learn more about counseling for couples in Ridgewood, New Jersey by visiting Mitchell Milch’s website: Counseling and Psychotherapy for Ridgewood, New Jersey.
